
PS 3515 
.0575 
04 
1919 
Copy 1 

































































































DENISON’S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 


DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2/ 2 hrs. ...< 2 5f) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japart, 2 acts 

2 hrs.(25c) 13 

After the Game, 2 acts, 154 

hrs. ..’(25c) 1 y 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) .. 4 4 

All for the Cause, 1 act, 1/4 

hrs.'.(25c) 1U 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

2V 4 hrs.(250 6 10 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2/4 hrs. . 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, -a 

hrs.. .....(25c) 7 5 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, _ 

2/ hrs.. (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2/ hrs.(25c) 6 14 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1% hrs. 

(25c) . 1/ 

Boy Scouts’ Good Turn, 3 acts, 

1M hrs .. (250 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 

hrs.-(2f c > 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) . 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2/ h. (25c) 7 4 

Call' of the Colors, 2 acts, 1% 

hrs.(25c) 4 1U 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 134 

hrs...( 25c > 10 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

2/ hrs.(35c) 8 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(95 c ) .. 6 o 

College Town, 3 acts, 2% 

hrs.( 2jc ) 9 8 

Daughter of the Desert 4 

acts, 2/ h fS .t^5c) 6 4 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2 1 / 4 hrs. 

(25c) .• • • ; * 5 3 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 his. 

(25c) . 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2/ 

hrs.. • • (2 ^ c > 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2/ hrs.• (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr.... (25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1/ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1/ h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs.(2Sc) 4 4 

Fifty-Fiftv, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 8 

For the Love of Johnny, 3 

acts, 2/ hrs.(c5c) 6 o 

'Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

\y 2 hrs.(25c) 9 14 


M. F. 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. .( 25c > 3 5 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. ..(25c) 12 

Indian Days, 1 hr....... (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2/ 

hrs.. 6 4 

Jayville Junction, IV 2 hrs.(25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

2hrs. .(25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart’s Content 3 

acts, 2/ hrs.(25c) 6 1- 

Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 

hrs.( 25c > b 1U 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 134 hrs. 

(25c) .. 4 5 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2/ 

hrs.(25c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2/ hrs. 

(25c) .; 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs.(25c) 3 4 

Mirandy’s Minstrels.... (25c) Optnl. 
Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit 3 

acts, 2/ hrs.(25c) 7 7 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs.(25c) 4 7 

Old Fashioned Mother, 3 acts, 

2/ hrs.(25c) 6 6 

Old Maid’s Club, 1/ hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs.(25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick’ry Holler, 

1/ hrs.(25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts 

2/2 hrs.(25c) 10 4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, - 

• hrs.(25c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2/ h.(25c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

2/ hrs.(35c) 7 9 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, “ ~ 

hrs.(25c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 2/ 

hrs.(35c) 7 9 

Safety First, 3 acts, . , - 

2/ hrs.(25c) 5 5 

Savageland, 2 acts, 2/ hrs. (50c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs.(25c) 7 

s park Life, 3 _ (25c , 4 4 

Spe, hr O s/ h :. Ima f2. 3 .. aC . , .O5O1010 
Star Bright, 3 acts, 2/ h. (25c) 6 5 
Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs.(25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts 2/ 

hrs.(25c) 9 16 

Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2/ 

hrs...(25C) / 4 


T.S. DENISON&COMPANY, Publishers, 154W. Randolph St., Chicago 























































































ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 

OR 

THE HOODOOED COON 

A Farce in Three Acts 


BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED PLAYS 

INCLUDING 

“Aaron Boggs, Freshman” “Abbu San of Old Japan,” “And Home 
Came Ted,” “Civil Service,” “A College Town” “Deacon 
Dubbs,” “A Dream of Queen Esther,” “An Early Bird,” 
“Kicked Out of College,” “Macbeth a la Mode,” “Mrs. 

Tubbs of Shantytown,” “My Irish Rose,” “An Old 
Fashioned Mother,” “Parlor Matches,” “A Poor 
Married Man,” “A Rustic Romeo,” “A 
Southern Cinderella,” “The White 
■ Christmas and Other Merry 
Christmas Plays,” Etc. 



CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 




ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 

T ., . . P535I5' 

It starts with a laugh 
And ends with a roar 
And when it’s all over 
You’ll want some more. 

So don’t be grumpy 
And don’t be glum, 

And wish, by heck! 

You hadn’t come. 


11 ' 


i^i 


We’ll do our best 
To give a good show, 
But we need some help 
From you, you know! 
So laugh out loud — 
Applaud and grin. 
And A Hoodooed Coon 
Can’t help but win. 


NOTICE 

Production of this play is 
free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights are reserved 
by the author, who may be ad¬ 
dressed in care of the Publish¬ 
ers. Moving" picture rights re¬ 
served. 


DEC -3 1919 



COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY WALTER BEN HARE 

5OLD 53344 


A'" 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


3 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 

OR 

A Hoodooed Coon 
CHARACTERS 

As produced by the Crow-Seligman Company with the following 


cast of players: 
Misery Moon . . . 

. A 

Hoodooed Coon 

Gideon Blair... 

Mr. Johnny Van. 


Tom Rissle. 

Mr. George W. Seligman. 
. As Slick as a Whistle 

111ram Tutt. ... 

Mr. Carter Kimiiall. 

.An Azof id Nut 

Patrick Keller. 

Mr. Archie Crow. 

.A Ticket Seller 

Samantha Sladi 

Mr. Charley Loam. 

: . A 

Poor Old Maid 

Rosebud Reese. . 

Mrs. Laura Seligman. 
. Her 

Charming Nietv 

Paula Maleek. . 

Miss Catherine Crow. 

• 

.. .A Bolshezhek 

Lulu Pearl. 

Miss Jimmie Mason. 

. A Jazz-time Girl 


Miss Esther Crow. 



Time — Today. 


. T ' • 

Place — A Railroad\S tatwn : hi Slabtozvn, Mizzoury. 


Time of Playing- —Tzoo Hours. 


Act I — The railroad station. A grouchy millionaire. 
A Jazz-Time Wedding. 

Act II — The next day. Paula on the trail. The bomb 
explodes! 

Act III — An hour later. Shhh ! Not so loud. 















4 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


STORY OF THE PLAY 

“ Always in Trouble; or A Hoodooed Coon,” is a lively 
farce full of laugh-provoking situations and witticisms, but 
absolutely clean in every respect. It has been presented by 
professional actors and by fourteen-year-old boys and girls 
as a closing exercise for the Eighth Grade and meets with 
hearty laughter and approval by the most critical audience. 
Like most farces this play depends more on its action and 
humor for its success than upon a complicated plot. 
Gideon Blair, aged 93, and a multi-millionaire, has deter¬ 
mined to marry his grandchild Rosebud to the son of his old 
friend. If either of the young people-refuse to marry the 
other, the one refusing loses a million dollars. 

Tom, who has never seen Rosebud, mistakes an old maid 
for the heiress and hires Tutt to impersonate himself, think¬ 
ing that the heiress will refuse to marry him. Rosebud tries 
to persuade Tutt not to marry her by feigning insanity, but 
when she learns that Tutt is merely masquerading as Tom 
she nearly scares the life out of him. 

The comedy scenes are furnished by Misery Moon, a hoo¬ 
dooed colored boy, always in trouble; Lulu Pearl, whose 
every move and speech is rag-time; Paula Maleek, who is 
after Tutt with a dynamite bomb; Samantha, the funny old 
maid; and Patrick, the bewildered ticket-seller. Misery 
Moon is the star part and his fights with a colored cook 
(who does not appear in the play) afford great farcical op¬ 
portunity, as do his frantic efforts to collect nine dollars 
from the old multi-millionaire. 

Songs, choruses, etc., may be introduced if desired. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


5 


NOTES FOR THE MANAGER 

1. The play may be made into a musical comedy with 

choruses, etc., by following - the advice embodied in 
the text. 

2. The play may be given as a straight farce by cutting the 

specialties. 

3. The cast can be reduced to 5 male and 3 female charac¬ 

ters by having Samantha and Paula double. 

4. The play may be given without scenery, if desired. A 

front curtain is all that is necessary. 

- • 

5. Be sure to fire off the gun at the proper moment at the 

end of Act II. 

6. Advertise the play ten days before it is given. Colored 

pictures of the characters may be cut from magazines 
and pasted on posters. By all means have a program. 

7. An orchestra is a valuable asset, but the play has been 

successfully produced with only piano accompani¬ 
ment. 

8. See that the lines are learned word for word and that 

the situations are carefully worked out in rehearsals. 

9. A dress rehearsal is necessary for Misery — to see that 

he makes the proper changes in the given time. Also 
for Paula and Samantha if they are played by the 
same person. 

10. The stage manager generally plays the role of Pat, as 

this gives him a chance to attend to most of the busi¬ 
ness off stage. 

11. In advertising call the play either “ Always in Trouble,” 

or “ A Hoodooed Coon," but do not use both titles, 
as this is confusing to the public. 


6 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAMS 

Act I — Railroad office at Slabtown, Mizzoury. “ A 
poor hungry cullud man, wif a cullud wife an' nine hungry 
cullud orphan chilluns.” Lulu chants her troubles in jazz¬ 
time. The mysterious Mr. Tutt says, “ Shhh! Not so 
loud ! ” Misery dons his preacher coat but has no success 
with the turbulent cook. Mr. Blair, the multi-millionaire, 
aged 93, and his wheel chair. Misery tells about his hard 
luck. “ Ps a regular profaned parson ob de African Spirit¬ 
ualism Church.” A jazz-time wedding. 

Act II — The next day. The giddy old maid Samantha 
Slade tries to make an impression on Tutt. Rosebud and 
her college chums arrive on the train and decide to liven up 
the town. Paula arrives with her homb on the trail of Mr. 
Tutt. Misery tries to collect his nine dollars from the mil¬ 
lionaire. “ Some people are always borrowing trouble.” 
“ Yaas, and some are always borrowing nine dollars.” 
Misery thinks the bomh is a baseball. A black hero. 

Act III — An hour later. Misery still a hoodooed coon. 
“ Good-bye, Good Luck, you once was mine, but now I 
knows you is a shine!” Rose makes Tutt think she is 
insane. “When I am frantic I creep — creep — creep!” 
Tutt refuses to marry Rose and she wins the million. The 
hoodooed coon meets with Good Luck at last. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


7 


COSTUMES AND MAKE-UP 

Misery — A doleful colored boy. Play the part in a 
•slow, sad melancholy manner. To make-up take a lump of 
prepared burnt cork the size of a hickory nut in the palm of 
the left hand, add a little water to make a paste, draw a 
black line with right forefinger around the mouth, curving 
the corners downward. Rub palms together and wash face, 
neck and ears with cork, being careful not to get inside the 
black line around mouth. Remove superfluous cork with 
soft brush. Blacken outside of hands or wear black gloves. 
To remove the make-up use soap and warm water. 
Caution: Do not use any grease or cold cream or red paint, 
as these cosmetics make the black adhere to the face. Use 
ordinary negro wig, or rumple your own hair and darken 
with cork. W ear large tattered shoes throughout the play. 
First costume — that of a tattered tramp with trousers to 
ankle and little gaudy cap. Second costume — add a long 
preacher’s coat, an enormous white bow tie and a battered 
stove-pipe hat made of pasteboard covered with black cloth. 
In Act II wear your “ explosion ” costume, rags hanging in 
strings, shirt in rags or strips, etc., attached to black tights. 
Over this wear the long coat hiding the tatters underneath. 
Act III same costume as Act I, but change for final scene to 
gaudy check suit, fancy vest, red tie and new plug hat. 
When you enter after the explosion in Act II your face 
should be whitened in spots with flour, necessitating another 
make-up for Act TIL This is the star role and should be 
properly costumed. 

Gideon — A palsied old man of 93. Black skull cap with 
white hair sewed on behind. Neat old man’s costume. 
Left foot bandaged as big as a small pillow. Cane. Study 
the voice of a querulous old man, sometimes mumbling, 
then vociferating loudly. For make-up apply thin coating 
of cold cream to face, rub in with finger tips, remove most 


8 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


of it with cheesecloth until skin feels quite dry. Apply 
grease paint No. 2 over face evenly and allow to dry. 
Wrinkle your face and draw lines of dark gray where 
wrinkles naturally appear. For small stages the linens 
should be little wider than lead-pencil lines and not too dark. 
Draw pale flesh-colored lines on either side of the gray lines 
and blend the edges together. Line forehead, between eye¬ 
brows, from ends of nostrils to corners of mouth, then the 
neck and hands. Put crow’s-feet at corners of eyes. Sink 
the hollows of the cheeks with dark gray carefully blended 
into pale flesh color. Sink eyes the same way. Put on 
cap. Paste on bushy white eyebrows. Powder lightly. 
Note: This difficult make-up should be used several times 
at rehearsal. Use no red color, except on upper eyelash. 

Tom — Good looking juvenile lead. Neat costumes. 
Change for Second Act. Juvenile make-up. 

Tutt — Tall, thin man of 40. Tight fitting black suit. 
White socks. Trousers too short. Black hat shaped round. 
Large library spectacles. Face made up pale. Gray shad¬ 
ows around the eyes. Use no red. 

Pat — Juvenile make-up. 

Samantha — Old maid make-up. Old fashioned cos¬ 
tume. Old maid wig. Large bonnet. Reticule, lace mitts, 
corkscrew curls, etc. 

Rosebud — Juvenile make-up. Hair down in curls. 
Neat travelling suit in Act II. White dress in Act III. 

Paula — Red and black costume. Russian blouse. 
Dark make-up. Hair in vampire style. Large ear-rings. 
Russian cap trimmed with fur. She carries a bomb. 

Lulu — Act I. Black dress and white apron. Hat back 
of counter. Change to wedding dress with long train and 
mosquito-bar veil. Act II. Pink dress. Act III same as 
Act II. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


9 


PROPERTIES 

Sign, “ Tickets.” 

Sign, Slabtozvn, Mizzoury. 

381 miles to St. Louis . 

16 miles to Neuralgy. 

Sandpaper on handles for train effect. 

Whistle and bell off stage at L. 

Newspaper for Tutt. 

Grips and railway folder for Tom. 

Tin pan for helmet for Misery. 

Tin cover for shield for Misery. 

Wooden razor for Misery. 

Bomb in bag for Paula. Make the bomb by painting a 
baseball black and attaching a fuse from a large fire-cracker. 
Note: This fuse must burn with a sputtering flame. 

Cane for Gideon. 

Wheel-chair for Gideon. 

Large book for Misery with large spectacles. 

Bandages for Gideon’s foot. 

Crash box off R. Crockery in wooden box. 

Cracked bowls or plates to break on stage. 

Reticule for Samantha and 30 cts. in purse. 

Purse in stocking for Misery. 

Nine old bills for Misery. 

Market basket and sunflowers for Wedding Scene. 

Bridal wreath and bouquet for Lulu. 

Vanity case for Lulu. 

Dagger for Rose. 

Lots of imitation money (bills) for Misery. 



10 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


SCENE PLOT 


TICKET WINDOW^ 
LEFT ENTRANCE 
BENCH 


] BENCH 

RIGHT ENTRANCE 

BENCH 



°LUNCH COUNTER 


STAGE DIRECTIONS 

R. means right of stage; C., center; R. C right center; 
L., left; i E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., 
right entrance up stage, etc.; up stage, away from footlights; 
down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be 
facing the audience. 


v 












ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 

or 

A HOODOOED COON 


Act 1 

Scene: The interior of the railway station at Slabtown, 
Mizzoury. Plain interior setting with entrances R. and L. 
'Picket seller’s window in L. upper corner. This may be 
constructed on a framework of scantling coz'ered with brown 
cloth, or painted canvas. Sign — Tickets — over the win¬ 
dow. Small lunch counter down R. with three small stools 
in front of it. This may be made of a narrow table with 
brown cloth tacked around the legs. Benches around stage. 
Shoe-store benches answer the purpose. Maps and time¬ 
tables tacked on walls. Large sign at rear reads: 

SLABTOWN, MIZZOURY 

381 miles to St. Louis 
16 miles to Ncuralgy. 

Discovered: Lulu standing behind the counter. Pat¬ 
rick in ticket window. Several extra people dressed as 
country travellers (Old Lady with children, Farmer, Country 
Bride and Groom, Old Maid with numerous bundles, padded 
Dutchman, etc.), seated on the benches. 

As soon as the curtain is well up Misery Moon enters 
from L. and slouches up to the ticket window. 

Misery. ’Scuse me, mister, could you-all help a pore 
lonesome hungry cullud orphan man wif de loan of a dime? 

Patrick. Beat it. 

Misery. Honest, boss, I isn’t had nuffin to eat fo’ seben 




12 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


days — and Us got six, small, starvin’, orphan chilluns jes’ as 
hungry as I is. 

Pat. You beat it, or I’ll call the dog. 

Misery. Call him, call him — an’ I’ll eat him. 
(Slouches down to lunch counter.) Say, lady, I’z a poor 
hungry orphan man, wif a hungry wife, an’ nine hungry 
orphan chilluns. Can’t you, please ma’am, spare me a little 
bite to eat? 

Lulu. Nothing doing. 

Misery. I’z so hungry, lady, dat I jes’ naturally can’t 
hold myself together. 1’z a hard-workin’ man, lady, hut I 
can’ find no employment at my occupation. 

Lulu. What is your occupation ? 

Misery. I’z a snow shoveller, I is. 

Lulu. On your way. This is July. (To audience.) 
Snow shoveller! wouldn’t that put a crimp in your marcel? 

Misery. Dat’s how come I can’t git no work at my occu¬ 
pation. Now, lady, if you could jes' only — 

Lulu (in sing-song tone, swaying shoulders in time). 
You’d better heed my talk, 

And be on your way, 

Or they’ll send you to the rock-pile 
At the break of day. 

Misery (imitates her). 

I done heerd you talkin’ 

An’ it sounded straight, 

So I’m a goin’ to beat it 

Through de kitchen gate. (Starts out at R.) 

Lulu. Hold on, don’t go in there. (Misery pauses at 
R. door.) We’ve got a rampageous cook in there, and she’ll 
just naturally beat you to death. 

Misery. Is she a cullud cook? 

Lulu. She is, but she don’t like tramps. 

Misery. Lady, I ain’ no tramp. No'm, I ain’t. I’z 
jes’ a sun-burned son ob misfortune, I am, and hungry, 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


13 


ooom, lady! I’z so hungry dat de interior ob my anatomy 
is nuffin but a scooped-out vacuum. I’m gwine to take a 
chance. (Exits at R.) 

Lulu (after a slight pause starts a jazz-time recitation, 
swaying shoulders and snapping fingers in time to her sing¬ 
song delivery.) 

I ain’t a goin’ to stand it, 

I’m a goin’ to pack my grip 
And leave this one-horse village 
For a railroad trip. 

I never was cut out 

For a tail-grass clown, 

So I’m a goin’ to beat it 
To New York town. 

Pat (questions). 

New York town ? 

Lulu ( positively ). 

New York town. 

Pat. She says she’s going to beat it 

To New York town. 

Lulu (as before ). 

They call this place Slabtown,. 

It’s sure labelled right; 

The constabule locks it up 
At nine o’clock at night. 

I sit and twirl me thumbs, 

There’s nothing else to do; 

The only chickens in this burg (Slight pause.) 
Sing cock-a-doodle do. 

Pat (questions). 

Cock-a-doodle do? 

Lulu (positively). 

Cock-a-doodle do! 

Pat. I love to hear the chickens 

Sing cock-a-doodle do. 


14 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Lulu (as before). 

I thought I’d struck a live joh 
At the lunch counter here, 

But the town’s been dead and buried 
For pretty near a year. 

The only big excitement 
They’ve had since ’85 
Was when a mule kicked the deacon 
In his front bee-hive. 

Pat (questions). 

Front bee-hive? 

Lulu ( positively). 

Front bee-hive! 

Both (laughing). 

A mule kicked the deacon 
In his front bee-hive. 

Loud noise of fighting, yells and zvrangling heard outside 
at R. Misery is thrown in from R., lighting face dozvnzvard 
flat on floor at C. He picks himself up zzrith great contor¬ 
tions and exits at L., limping badly and hozvling like a 
around ed dog. 

Lulu. Well. I guess he took a look — 

And I guess he met the cook. 

When he thought no one was near 
She attacked him in the rear. 

And it’s good-bye Jonah 
And it’s good-bye Dan — 

For the cook’s got no use 
For a hobo man. 

Enter Hiram Tutt from L. f striding in dramatically with 
long steps. He crosses to lunch counter mysteriously. 

Tutt (finger at lips, gives a prolonged “ sh” sound), 
Shhh! 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


15 


Lulu (startled). Say, where do you get that Shhh ! 

Tutt. Not so loud. It’s a mystery. ( Strides over to 
ticket office and repeats the same business.) Shhh! 

Pat (alarmed). What is it? What’s the matter with 
you ? 

Tutt. Not so loud. We mustn’t be observed. What 
time can I get a train to Neuralgy? 

Pat. In about twenty minutes. 

Tutt. Has there been anyone in here looking for me? 

Pat. How do I know? Say, what’s the matter with 
you, anyway? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. No one must notice us. I 
am trying to escape. 

Pat. What from — the bug house or the police? 

Tutt. Neither. (Pause.) From a woman. 

Pat. Well, you shouldn’t have any trouble. One look at 
you and a woman would start the other way. (Loudly.) 
Say, who are you ? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. I can’t tell you who I am 
because I am in disguise. The lady who is looking for me 
is a foreigner. She is dressed in black and red and has a 
Russian air. 

Pat. A Russian hair? Only one. 

Tutt. No, no. Not hair, air. She walks with a cat¬ 
like tread and carries herself well. She also carries a bomb. 

Pat. A bum? Can’t he walk? 

Tutt. No, no. A bomb of dynamite. Her name is 
Maleek. Paula Maleek. 

Pat. What does she want you for? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. It’s a mystery, but she 
mustn’t find me. That’s why I am going to Neuralgy. 
I’m going to hide myself. If she asks for me, you haven’t 
seen me. You never saw me, you don’t know I’m living. 
See? (Puts fingers to lips.) Shhh! Not a word. (Tip- 


16 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


toes to door at L.) Shhh! When she comes you must 
throw her off the track. 

Pat. Throw her off yourself. I ain’t got time. 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. Remember, remember, re¬ 
member! (Tiptoes out at L.) 

Lulu (to audience). Well, wouldn’t that put a postage 
stamp on your postcard? (To Pat.) Say, Pat, his fathei 
must have been a colonel. 

Pat. A colonel? Why? 

Lulu. Because he’s a human nut. 

Pat. Maybe he was bitten by a squirrel. Shhh! Not 
so loud. 

Lulu. Well, if I ever get like that take me out to the 
park and feed me to the little dickie birds. 

Specialty may be introduced at this point by Lulu, with 
chorus by Pat and extra people. 

Enter from L., Misery dressed in tattered stove-pipe hat, 
long dark coat or oz*ercoat, large spectacles , big white tie. 
He carries large book and walks in very dignified. 

Misery (in jazz-time). 

Here comes de preacher, 

In his long black coat, 

Ain’t no yaller cook 
Kin get ma goat. 

I'm goin’ in yonder (Points to R.) 

Wif my book in ma hand 
An’ blow dat yaller cook 

Into de promised land. (Exits R.) 

Enter Samantha Slade from L. She flounces over to 
Patrick. 

Samantha. What time does the three thirty train get 


ALWAYS TN TROUBLE 


17 


Pat. Say, lady, don’t hand me nothing like that. The 
three thirty train gets in at five fifteen. 

Samantha. Will it be on time? 

Pat. Don't make me laugh, I got the toothache. 

Samantha. Now, you see here, Mr. Smarty, Pm the 
young lady from Gideon Blair’s house and he owns this 
railroad, he does. 

Pat. Yes, ma’am. (Meekly.) I know he does. 

Samantha. Mr. Blair sent me over here to meet a pas¬ 
senger who’s coming in on the three thirty train. He’s wait¬ 
ing over there in the Park and if you get impudent I’ll 
report it to him, and you know what that’ll mean. 

Pat. You’re fired. 

Samantha. It’ll mean that you’re fired.' 

Pat. Tell Mr. Blair that the train will be here in ten 
minutes. 

Samantha. You’d better telegraph it to hurry up, be¬ 
cause Gideon Blair don’t like to be kept waiting. 

Pat. Yes, ma’am. I will. 

Loud noise heard outside at R. Misery is thing into the 
room again. He reels like dazed. Reels up beside 
Samantha, looks at her , takes a sharp audible intake of 
breath and reels out at L. 

Samantha. Mercy me, what was that? 

Pat. That? Why that was just a black cloud that tried 
to start a storm, but it’s all over now. 

Samantha. I never saw such carryings on. I’ll report 
this matter to Mr. Blair and do you know what he’ll say? 

Pat. You’re fired. 

Samantha. That’s right. ( Flounces to door at L.) 
And you will be, too. ( Exits L.) 

Lulu. So that’s old man Blair's heiress, is it? I’ve 
heard of her, but I never saw her before. (Imitates Sa¬ 
mantha’s high-pitched voice.) I never saw such carryings 


18 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


on. I’ll report that matter to Mr. Blair. (In natural 
voice.) Wouldn’t that rattle the panes in your sash? 

Pat,. She didn’t look much like an heiress, did she? 

Lulu. I’ll say she did. She was just full of airs. ( Im¬ 
itates Samantha.) You’d better telegraph the train to 
hurry up„ ’cause Mr. Blair don’t like to be kept waiting. 

, Pat. LI ere she comes now? 

Lulu. Who, the heiress? 

Pat. No, the train. 

Whistle heard in distance. Extra people gather up grips , 
etc. Noise of approaching train heard outside at L. Rub 
tivo pieces of sandpaper tacked on boards together. Whistle 
and bell. Extra people hurry out. Enter Tom Rissle 
carrying grips. He goes to Pat. 

Tom. Excuse me, but can you tell me where Mr. Blair 
lives ? 

Pat. Mr. Blair, the millionaire? 

Tom. Sure. The owner of this railroad. 

Pat. Of course. He lives in the white stone palace on 
the hill. 

Tom. And he has a granddaughter, hasn’t he? 

Pat* I believe he has. She was just in here. 

Tom. Is she pretty? 

Pat. She’s the heiress of a million dollars. Ain’t that 
enough ? 

Tom. I see. She’s a freak. 

Pat. Well, I’ve seen handsomer women. 

Lulu. She was looking for you. 

Tom. For me? 

Lulu. She was just in here and said she was expecting 
someone in on the train. 

Tom. Not me. She isn’t looking for me, and I’ll bet 
two dollars I’m not looking for her. ( Crosses over to 
Lulu.) 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


19 


Pat. Well, she’s looking for someone. 

Enter Tutt from L. 

1 utt ( dramatically poses at E.). She is looking for me. 

Pat. Are you here again? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. Has she been here ? 

Pat. Do you mean the lady at Mr. Blair’s? 

Tutt. No, no. 1 mean a funny looking lady. 

Pat. If she ain’t funny I never saw a comic supplement. 

Tutt. Is she a Russian? 

Pat. She is. She went a rushin’ out o’ here. 

Tutt. Then I must escape. 

Pat. She’s over there in the park. ( Points to L.) 

Tutt. Then I must dissemble. (Sits on bench at K., 
reads newspaper, holding it very close to his eves.) 

Enter Samantha from L. 

Samantha. The train’s in, isn’t it? 

Pat. Sure. 

Samantha. Did a young lady get off? 

Pat. I didn’t see a young lady. That young man got 
off. ( Points to Tom.) 

Samantha. (Goes to Tom.) Excuse me, sir, but did 
you see a young lady get off the train ? 

Tom. No, ma’am. 

Samantha. I only wanted to know, that’s all. ( Gig¬ 
gles .) I hope you won’t think me bold in addressing a per¬ 
fect stranger. Pm sure Mr. Blair wouldn’t like it. Tell 
me, you don’t think I’m bold, do you? 

Tom. Oh, no. 

Samantha. We girls have to be so careful. (Giggles.) 
Mr. Blair never likes to have me out of his sight. ( Backs 
into Tutt.) Oh, 1 beg your pardon. (Turns to Tutt, 
who conceals himself behind the paper.) What a peculiar 
man. (Crosses to L.) Good afternoon. (Exits E.) 




20 ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 

Tom. And that is Rosebud Reese? 

Lulu. She’s the lady who lives at Mr. Blair’s. 

Tom. (Wilts in chair or bench.) Good-night, I can see 
my finish. I’m going back to St. Louis. ( Reads railroad 
folder.) I 

Enter Misery from L. wearing first costume but with a 
tin pan on head as a helmet and a tin cover for a shield. 

He carries a large wooden razor and walks tough, very 
tough. 

Misery (jazzes). 

I’m goin’ to walk into dat kitchen 
And eat till I gits through, 

And if dat cook gits dangerous, 

Gwine to carve her clean in two. 

(Exits R.) 

Pat has closed the ticket window and nozv enters at L. 
and comes to Lulu. 

Pat. How’s business, peaches ? 

Lulu. If this railroad is depending on me to see ’em 
through the present financial crisis they’ll starve to death. I 
ain’t took in a whole dollar in two days. I’m going to 
resign. 

Pat. And go away and leave me ? 

Lulu. Why don’t you resign too? You could make 
twice as much in the city. 

Pat. I’ll do it, if you’ll consent to be me own blushin’ 
little bride. 

Lulu. Do you really want me, Patrick? 

Pat. Do I ? Does a duck swim ? 

Lulu. Let’s go over to the park and watch the rippling 
waters in the lake. Then we’ll talk it over. 

Pat. Can you leave the lunch counter? 


1 









ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


21 


Lulu. Can I? Watch me. (Takes off apron, puts on 
hat. Powders nose in hand glass, arranges hair, etc.) 

Pat. My, my, but you look good to Patrick. 

Lulu ( conies to him and takes his arm). None of that 
now. Wait till we get to the park. ( They start out at L.) 

Enter Paula Maleek from L., dramatically. 

Paula. Hold! 

Lulu. What do you mean by hold? 

(Tutt exhibits great fright at the sound of Paula’s voice. 
He gets dozvn on hands and knees and crawls behind the 
counter.) 

Paula. I am looking for a man. 

Lulu. You’ve got nothing on me. And what’s more I 
got what I was looking for. 

Paula. (Grabs Pat and looks eagerly in his face, scar¬ 
ing him.) Are you in disguise? No, no. ( Throw's him 
violently to L.) You are not Tutt! 

Pat. Tutt? Well, I should say I’m not. Tutt? Tut, 
tut! ( Exits L., with Lulu on his arm.) 

Paula (rushes dozvn to Tom who rises). Tell me, have 
you seen Tutt? 

Tom. I don’t think I have. What is a Tutt? 

Paula. He is an animal. (Tutt’s face is visible to the 
audience, behind counter.) A villain, a worm, a scorpion 
that stung the hand that fed him. 

Tom. Sorry, I haven’t seen any scorpions today. 

Paula. He was my slave, my serf. But he has disap¬ 
peared and with him, me papers. (Crosses to L.) But 
when I find him, ah, ha! When I find him death — slow, 
sure and certain. (Takes bomb from bag.) This is a 
bomb. You tremble, do you? Well, so will Tutt. Let him 
beware a Bolsheviek’s vengeance. Let him beware! 
(Exits L.) 



22 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Tutt (crawls out on hands and knees). Has she gone? 

Tom. She has. Are you Tutt? 

Tutt {on floor, looks up at Tom sadly). I am. I’m 
Tutt. 

Tom. The lady is evidently waiting for Tutt. 

Tutt. Yes, and when she finds me — blooey-—one blast 
and it’s all off. Oh, why did I ever get mixed up with the 
Bolshevieks ? 

Tom. Are you a Bolsheviek? 

Tutt. I was, but when I drew the purple button I flew. 

Tom. The purple button? 

Tutt. Yes. That meant that I had to blow up some¬ 
body. 

Tom. So you flew? 

Tutt. I flew. 

Tom. (Shakes hands with him.) I don’t blame you. 

Tutt. But she flew after me. Oh, it’s dreadful. Ev¬ 
erywhere I go she follows me. Oh, if I could only dis¬ 
guise myself so she couldn’t find me, if I could only be 
somebody else. 

Tom. Ah, an idea! Sit down. How would you like to 
work for me? 

Tutt. Would I be safe? 

Tom. As safe as if you were in jail. In fact I want you 
to become another man. 

T utt. What man ? 

Tom. Myself. 

Tutt. 1 don’t understand. 

Tom. It’s this way. In order to inherit a million dollars 
I’ve got to marry a girl. 

Tutt. That isn’t had. 

Tom. Isn’t it It was the old maid who was in here a 
moment ago. 

Tutt. Not me! Take back your million, 1 won’t marry 
her. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


23 


Tom. If she marries me she gets a million. 

Tutt. She ought to give it to you. 

I om . But if I refuse to marry her I lose my million. 

Tutt. Unless she refuses you first. 

Tom. Precisely. Now I want you to go to Gideon 
Blair’s house and say that you are me. Then make them 
all disgusted with you — she refuses to marry you — and 1 
get a million. 

Tutt. And what do I get? 

Tom. You get a hundred dollars for a week’s work. 

Tutt. But suppose Paula finds «me. Then I'll have to 
spend the hundred dollars for my own tombstone. 

Tom. She won’t find you. I’ll give you a railway pass 
down to Cuba and you will be free from her forever. 

Tutt. ( Shakes hands with him.) I’ll do it. 

Tom. Come over to the hotel and I’ll tell you more about 
it. {They cross to L.) 

Tutt. Remember, I won’t marry her. 

Tom (loudly). Marry her? Why, she wouldn’t marry 
you. 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. (They go out at L.) 

Enter Pat from R. 

Pat. Sure, it’s a shame, so it is — that I can’t even walk 
over in the park with my Lulu without old Mr. Blair seeing 
me. He was headed this way and I just slipped in the 
back door. ( Goes behind ticket windozv.) 

Enter from L. Samantha wheeling in Gideon Blair, a 
fierce old man of 93, in an arm chair. His left foot is 
swathed in immense bandages. The wheel chair could be 
omitted and Samantha support him in with cane and 
crutch, but this is not recommended. 

Gideon Blair (as she wheels him in). Easy there, easy! 
Don’t you jar me like that. I can’t stand being jarred. 



24 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


You get more clumsy every day, Samantha Slade. I ought 
to fire you. 

Samantha. You’ve fired me four times today already, 
Mr. Blair. 

Gideon. Then I’ll fire ye again and make it five. Here, 
put me over there; it’s more comfortable. (She wheels him 
to L. front.) Now, where’s my granddaughter? I’m all 
ready for her. Where is she ? Where is she ? 

Samantha. I don’t know. 

Gideon. Why don’t you know? Didn’t I send you to 
find out where she is? The train’s in, ain’t it? Her 
school’s out, ain’t it? Then why ain’t she here? Why ain’t 
she here? 

Samantha. I don’t know. Mr. Blair. All I know is 
that she didn’t come on the train. 

Gideon. Well, I’ll wait till she does come, and when she 
does, she’ll hear from me. (Looks around.) Look at this 
place. Chairs and benches and lunch counter and every¬ 
thing. Too much expense. I’ll have to cut down on all 
this expense here at Slabtown. I’m the president of the 
railroad and I won’t have any money spent that doesn’t have 
to be spent. It looks like a king’s palace. 

Samantha. It looks very plain to me. 

Gideon. Shut up! I didn't ask your opinion. Put me 
over there. (Points to C.) I’m sitting in a draught. Do 
you want to murder me ? 

Samantha. All right. (Puts him at C.) Do you feel 
better now ? 

Gideon. Better? Better? I’ll never feel any better as 
long as I live. I’m ninety-three years old and I never felt 
better in fifty years. Where’s that ticket-seller? Asleep, I 
suppose. Well. I’m not paying him seven dollars a week to 
sleep. And the girl who’s supposed to attend to the lunch 
counter! Where is she? I'll fire her, that’s what I’ll do. 
I’ll fire her. Why isn’t she here? 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


25 


Samantha. But there aren’t any customers here. 

Gideon. What difference does that make? (Mumbles.) 
They think just because I’m ninety-three and a millionaire 
that I’m not on the job, but I am. (Yells.) I am! 
{Mumbles.) I’ll fire that ticket-taker and I’ll fire that 
lunch-room girl. (Yells.) They’re fired. I’ll show ’em. 
I’m the president of this road and I'll show ’em. 

Loud noise heard off stage at R. Bumfs, yells and 
crashes. Rattle broken crockery in a wooden box and then 
throw it on the floor several times. Gideon dodges. 
Misery is flung violently in from R. and several cracked 
bonds or plates are flung after him. They break on the 
door, Gideon dodging every time. Misery dat on the door 
dodging. 

Misery (sits on door). Dat old cook jes 5 naturally done 
took a dislike to me. She’s kinda put out about sump’n. 

Gideon. Put out? Put out? Looks like you’re the 
one who’s put out. ( Gives old maids chuckle.) 

Misery (rising by sections). Dat’s a fac’, Mr. Blair, 
dat’s a fac’. Dat ole woman purt’ nigh busted me in two. 
Lucky she hit me on de haid wif dat rollin’ pin, kase ef she’d 
a hit me anywhar else it mighta injured me. But ma haid 
jes’ naturally busted dat rollin’ pin in three pieces. 

Gideon. What are you doing here? Why have you fol¬ 
lowed me ? I say, why have you followed me ? 

Misery. Well, boss, I reckon you knows de cognizance 
ob ma visit. 

Gideon. More hard luck, 1 suppose. You’re always in 
trouble. 

Misery. Man, ma maiden name is Misery. Pz a melan¬ 
choly nigger from a mournful district and hard luck jes’ 
naturally roosts right under ma hat. 

Gideon. Why don’t you cheer up? Good luck is bound 
to hit you some day. 



26 


ft 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 

Misery. Who, me? Boss, I knowed a man what was 
walkin’ along de street and he fell in a coal-hole and broke 
bofe his laigs. He sued de man dat owned de coal-hole and 
got six hundred dollars. 

Gideon. Good. Why didn’t you try the same thing? 

Misery. I did. I come along and fell in de same coal¬ 
hole. Like to ruined me forever. Broke ma hip-bone, laig 
joints, left ankle, dislocated ma ribs, discolored ma solar 
plexus, gimme a permanent infraction ob two-buckles on de 
lungs, contaminated ma spine and bumped ma anatomy. 
And what you reckon dey did ? 

Gideon. Gave you a thousand dollars? 

Misery. No, sah. No, sah! Dey fined me ’leben dol¬ 
lars an’ seventy-two cents for tryhr to steal coal. (Pause.) 
Mr. Blair, ma maiden name is Misery. (Note: Misery al¬ 
ways speaks in.a mournful voice and looks heart-broken.) 

Gideon. Well, why don’t you go to work? Go to work! 
Go to work! 

Misery. Can’t git no work. And worser’n dat ma wife 
can’t git no work. And ma thirteen lil chilluns dey can’t git 
no work neither. 

Pat appears in ticket windozv 

Pat. Telegram for Mr. Blair. Telegram for Mr. Blair! 

Gideon. (To Samantha.) There’s a telegram for me. 
Maybe it’s from Rosebud. Go and get it. 

Samantha ( goes to window). I’ll take it. 

Pat. Nine dollars and thirty cents charges. 

Samantha. (Goes to Gideon.) There’s nine dollars 
and thirty cents charges on it. 

Gideon. What? 

Samantha. That’s what he said. 

Gideon. I won’t pay it. Pm the president of this road 
and I won’t pay it. 

Pat. Then you don’t get it. 


/ 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


27 


Gideon. I never heard of such a thing. Where’s it 
from ? 

Pat. St. Louis. Thirty cents for the telegram and nine 
dollars war tax. 

Gideon {searching in his pockets). I haven’t any money. 

Pat. Then you haven’t any telegram. 

Gideon. But I’ve got to have it. 

Pat. Nine dollars and thirty cents. 

Gideon. Samantha, have you got any money? 

Samantha ( looks in reticule). I've got thirty cents. 

Gideon. Give it to him. (Samantha gives it to Pat.) 

Pat. Nine dollars more. War tax. No nine dollars no 
telegram. 

Gideon. Misery, have you got nine dollars? 

Misery. Who, me? 

Gideon. Yes, you. If you lend me nine dollars today 
I’ll pay you nine dollars and twenty-five cents tomorrow. 
That’s the way to get rich. 

Misery (counts on his fingers). Why, I’ll be making two 
bits. Without no work at all. 

Gideon. That’s right. Give me the nine dollars. 

Misery ( pulls m up pants leg and takes old purse from his 
stocking). Boss, dat’s all I got for a rainy day. 

Gideon. You don’t need it. There ain’t a cloud in the 
sky. 

Misery ( counts out nine old one-dollar bills). Dere’s 
ma roll. 

Gideon. Remember, tomorrow you get nine dollars and a 
quarter. 

Misery. Yes, I knows dat, but in de meantime I’z bank¬ 
rupt. ( Kisses bills.) Good-bye, old nine dollars, we’s been 
mighty close-stickin’ friends, you and me. Say, are you 
sure you’ll gimme nine dollars and two bits tomorrow, boss ? 

Gideon. Positive of it. 






28 


ALWAYS TN TROUBLE 


Misery. Well, dere’s ma nine dollars. ( Gives it to 
him.) 

Gideon (gives it to Samantha). Now pay that robber. 

Samantha (gives money to Pat). Now, gimme that 
telegram. (Takes it.) There’s your telegram, Mr. Blair. 

Gideon. Read it to me. 

Samantha (reads). “Dear Grandpa: I missed the 
train today but will be on hand tomorrow on the afternoon 
train. Your Rosebud.” That’s all. 

Gideon. And I paid nine dollars and thirty cents for 
that. 

Pat. Yes, and it was worth it, too. 

Gideon. Shut up! What do you know about it? Say, 
why haven’t you been attending to business? 

Pat. I have. 

Gideon. You have not. I saw you with a girl over in 
the park. 

Misery. (Extends left forefinger toward Pat and 
sharpens it with right forefinger.) Oh, naughty, naughty, 
naughty! 

Gideon. What do you mean by it? I ought to fire you. 

Pat. It wasn't my fault, Mr. Blair. 

Gideon. Ain’t you a married man ? 

Pat. I am not. 

Gideon. You ought to be. I won’t have you working 
for me unless you’re a married man. Then you wouldn’t 
be spooning in the park with the girls. 

Misery. Oh, wouldn’t he? Dey do sometimes, yes, sir, 
dev do sometimes. 

Pat. Well, if you want me to get married I’ll do it. 

Gideon. That’s right. Go and do it. I want to see 
you. I’ll be a witness and give you a fine present besides. 

Pat. Where’ll I get married ? 

Gideon. Right here. 

Pat. Here in the station? 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


29 


Gideon. Yes, sir. Right here. 

Pat. Who’ll marry me ? 

Samantha. I will. 

Pat. You? 

Samantha. Oh, this is so sudden. 

Pat. No, no. I’ve got the girl, but where will I get the 
parson ? 

Misery. Right here. 

Others. You? 

Misery. Yassir, me. I’z a regularly profaned parson ob 
de African Spiritualism Church, I is, and I can marry you 
jest as tight as anybody. 

Pat. All right. Pm on. We’ll have a rag-time, jazz- 
band wedding. (Exits L.) 

Samantha. There goes another chance. I thought he 
was going to propose to me. 

Gideon. And when my granddaughter comes tomorrow 
I'll telegraph to young Tom Rissle and have him come up 
here and they’ll be married on the spot. 

Misery. On what spot, boss? 

Gideon. On this spot. He gets a million dollars if he 
marries my Rosebud. 

Misery. Who does ? 

Gideon. Young Tom Rissle, the son of my old friend 
and partner Ebenezer Rissle. 

Enter Tom from L. 

Tom (to Samantha). Isn’t that Mr. Blair? 

Samantha. Yes, sir. That’s Mr. Blair. 

Tom. And you are the young lady, I suppose? 

Samantha. Of course I’m a young lady. 

Tom. That settles it. Mr. Blair, there’s a gentleman out¬ 
side looking for you. 

Gideon. I don’t want to see him. I’m too busy. Get 
out of here. You’re not wanted. We’re going to have a 


30 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


wedding here and it’s going to be private, sir. Private! 

Misery. Yass, sah, and Fz gwine perform de ceremony. 
Jes’ wait a minute, boss, till I gets in ma weddin’ clothes. 
( E.vits at E.) 

Tom. But, Mr. Blair, this gentleman is the son of your 
old friend Ebenezer Rissle. 

Gideon. He is? Where is he? 1 was just talking about 
him. He’s a hue young fellow and is going to marry my 
little Rosebud. 

Tom {looks at Samantiiia). She looks more like a June 
bug. 

Gideon. Where is he? Where is the young scamp? I 
want to see him. 

Enter Tutt from L. 

Tom. Here he is. 

Gideon (looks at Tutt, who has been pushed to him by 
Tom). What! (yells) Are you Tom Rissle? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud, not so loud! 

Gideon. And my lawyers wrote me that he was a hand¬ 
some young chap just out of college. 

Tutt. ^ es, sir. I hat’s right, sir. I’m the handsome 
young chap. 

Gideon. Very well. I’ve given my word and I won’t 
break it. but it will be an awful blow to Rosebud. 

Samantha (looks out of door L.). The wedding party 
is all ready. 

Tutt. Am 1 to be married at once? 

Gideon. Not you! (Yells.) Of course not! Cer¬ 
tainly not. 

Tutt. Not so loud! Shhh! Not so loud! 

Enter Pat from L., wearing plug hat and large buttonhole 

bouquet. 

Pat. W e’re all readv to bemn. 

- o 



ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


31 


Gideon. Wheel me over there where I can see the whole 
thing. (Points to L. front.) 

(Samantha wheels Gideon to L. front. Pat stands at 
R. C. near front, his back to audience. Tom and Tutt in 
R. corner at front.) 

Pat. Here comes the parson! 

Enter Misery dressed as parson with large book. He 

struts in. 

Samantha. Oh, Pm so excited. 

Gideon. Shut up ! Shut up ! 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud! 


Misery advances to C. a little to rear and faces audience, 

very seriously. 


Misery. 


Pat. 

Samantha. 

Misery. 


Is everybody ready? 

Let the festival begin ; 

De best man to de entry 
Lead de bridegroom in! 

Sure Pm already here. 

My, doesn’t he look queer! 

Now start de music playin’ 
And de bride will soon appear. 


(Piano plays eight bars of (( Here comes the Bride ” in 
quick, jazz tempo. Tutt one-steps with Samantha and 
Tom one-steps with Misery. Gideon waves his hands and 
snaps fingers.) 


All (sing quickly). 

Here comes the bride, 
Plere comes the bride, 


32 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


See how she wobbles 
From side to side! 

Here comes the bride, 

Here comes the bride. 

Rag-time and jazz-time, 

A jazz-time bride ! 

Piano changes to “ Here comes the Bride played in slozv, 
march tempo. All resume former positions. Enter from 
L. Extra Lady, zvho is large and middle aged, dressed as 
tiny flower girl, sprinkling sunflowers from a market basket. 
She is followed by Lulu in a long trailing dress of white, 
and wearing veil, wreath, etc. Other Extra People march 
in by pairs. Lulu stands at L. C., her back to audience 
Music very soft. Deliver lines fast in a sing-song jazz, all 
snapping fingers and swaying shoulders. 

Misery. 

What’s this I see before me — 

Is you the blushing bride? 

Lulu. 

I’ll say I am, so start the show 
Before it rains outside. 

For my dress was made in France! 

Misery. 

De bridegroom please advance. ( To Pat.) 

If you say No, 

You’ll stop de show, 

But it’s your only chance. (Reads from book.) 

Man is mortal and made oh clay, 

Flesh is grass — 

Tom. 

And grass is hay, 

Misery. 

Hush, man, hush, I’m takin’ pains, 

Now all step forward and view de remains. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


33 


Lulu. 

This ain’t no funeral, I think you’re a shine. (Takes 
book.) 

You got the wrong place. Turn to page 69 . (Returns 
book.) 

All. (Dance break.) Boom-de-boom boom, boom, 
boom! 

Misery. 

Will you take dis damsel 
As your wedded wife? 

Pat. 

I will, I will! 

Misery. 

Will you honor and obey her 
For all your natural life? 

Pat. 

I will, I will! 

Misery (to Lulu). 

Will you take dis microbe 
For your husband true? 

Lulu. 

I will, I will! 

Misery. 

And support your family 
Like a wife ought to do? 

Lulu. 

I will, I will. 

Misery. 

If you promise not to fight him 
All your life — 

I now pronounce you 
Man and wife! 

All (dance break). Boom-de-boom, boom, boom, 
boom! 



34 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Piano plays a few bars of the Wedding March and Pat 
and Lulu march out slozuly, but pause at door. Piano 
changes to rag-time air and all dance one-step faster and 
faster as the curtain falls. 

Curtain. 


Act II 


Scene: The same as Act I, but twenty-four hours later. 
Lulu is discovered at rise behind the lunch counter. 

Lulu (jazzing). 

I had a jazz-time wedding, 

And a jazz-time dance ; 

A jazz-time one-step 
And a jazz-time prance; 

Pat’s a jazz-time husband, 

I’m a jazz-time wife — 

And I’m certainly a leading 
A jazz-time life. 

Enter Tom from L. He goes to the counter. 

Tom. Ah, good afternoon, little one. 

Lulu. Say, you’ll have to cut out that little one stuff. 
I’m a newly-married lady. I am. 

Tom. Have you seen anything of my friend today? 
Lulu. Say, whatcha think this is, a information bureau? 
We’re here to sell meals, both table de hotty and a-la-carty, 
and that’s all I know. (Changes tone.) What friend do 
you mean ? 

Tom. Shhh ! Not so loud. 

Lulu (laughs). Oh, him? No, I haven’t saw him. 
He’s up at the white palace on the hill. Ain't he a caution? 
When I first seen him standin’ before my counter yesterday 
I wondered who left the door open. Honest I thought the 
cat brung him in. 

Tom. You mustn’t speak lightly of him, fair maiden. 
He’s the handsome young college hero, Tom Rissle. 

Lulu. Who, him ? 

Tom. And he’s going to marry the old man’s heiress. 

Samantha appears at door L. 

35 



36 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Samantha (giddily). How-de-do! 

Tom. Here she is now. We were just speaking about 
you. 

Samantha. About me? How very romantical. I just 
love to be talked about. I’m so popular. Folks just talk 
about me all the time. I’m going to meet Tommy here and 
he’s going to take me over to the lake in the park. 

Lulu (to audience) . And throw you in. 

Tom. Tommy? 

Samantha (giggles). Yes. You know. Shhh! Not 
so loud. Him. 

Tom ( alarmed). Say, you’re not going to marry him, are 
you ? 

Samantha. Well, I dunno. He ain’t asked me yet. 
(Giggles.) But I think he's going to. (Dramatically.) 
And if he does— (Pauses.) 

Tom. If he does? 

Lulu. If he does? 

Tom. Well, what? 

Samantha. Oh, I don’t think I could resist him. He 
has such compelling ways. I think I’ll say yes. 

Tom. Then I lose a million dollars. 

Samantha. If he only wouldn’t say Shhh! so much. 

Tom. He’s used to it. You see, he’s a married man and 
whenever he wants to talk he has to say Shhh ! to his wife. 

Samantha. A married man? Oh, I didn’t dream that 
Mr. Tom Rissle was a married man. 

Tom. So you see he can’t marry you. 

Samantha. Oh! ( Beginning to cry.) And I’ve 
waited so long, too. (Cries louder.) 

Tom. Turn off the tap, the faucet’s leaking. 

Samantha. And he was s-s-so at-at-attentive to me, 
too. (Sits on bench and cries loudly.) 

Pat appears in door at L. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


37 


1 j at. What’s the matter here? Who hurt that old lady? 

Samantha ( springs up). Old lady? Oh, I’m insulted, 
insulted. (Walks from front to rear several times in an 
agitated manner.) 

Pat ( follows her). But I didn’t mean it. Honest, I 
didn’t mean it. 

Samantha. You did, too. (Cries loudly.) 

Tom (walking with them). No, he didn’t. 

Lulu ( joining the parade). Of course he didn’t. 

Samantha (stops suddenly at front doivn L.). I know 
what I’ll do. 

Others (stop down stage). What? 

Samantha. I’ll flirt with him and get him to propose 
and then I’ll sue him for breach of promise. ( Turns to 
Tom.) Then I could marry you. 

Tom. Not me. I’m in love with an oriental girl. 

Solo by Tom, others joining in chorus. Or mixed quartet 
specialty. At end Sam, Lulu, and Pat dance off at R. 
Tutt enters from L. 

Tutt. Shhh! 

Tom. You here? 

Tutt. Not so loud. 

Tom. Well, I suppose you’ve been having a fine time up 
there in the big house while I had to sleep in that barn of 
a hotel. 

Tutt. Fine time? That old maid won’t let me breathe. 
Say, I want to go home. 

Tom. Nothing doing until she refuses to marry you. 

Tutt. I refuse to marry her right now. 

Tom. No, no. If you do that I lose the million, she 
must refuse to marry you. 

Tutt. She wouldn’t refuse to marry anything. 

Tom. You must make her. 

Tutt. How? 


38 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Tom. Treat her rough. Scrap with her. Bite her. 

Tutt. Bite her? Shhh! Not so loud. 

Tom. She’s over there in the park. Now’s your chance. 
Go and talk to her and make her hate you. (Sits on bench 
at R. C.) 

Tutt. How can I? 

Tom. Oh, that’s easy. 

Tutt. But I’m afraid to go to the park. Paula Maleek 
might see me and then, blooey! she’ll touch a match to the 
bomb and biff, bing! Good-night! 

Tom. She’s probably a thousand miles away. 

Tutt. Not Paula. I saw her yesterday. That’s why I 
crawled behind the counter. She’s on my trail, and Paula 
never loses a scent. 

Tom. She ought to be a good poker player. 

Tutt. If she ever finds me, it’s all off. 

Tom. Then we must have a little quick action. Go over 
there in the park and insult the heiress and she will refuse 
to marry you. That’ll make old man Blair sore and I’ll get 
two million dollars. 

Tutt. And I get thirty days and costs. 

Tom. Certainly not. You get a free ticket to Cuba and 
one hundred dollars. Hurry now and have a scrap with 
the heiress. ( Wizens.) I want to get away from this burg. 
I hardly got a wink of sleep last night in that hotel. 

Tutt. My, my, I wish 1 was safe at home. 

Tom. Well, pull this thing off right away, get the old girl 
good and sore and we can leave on the night train. Go 
on ! Hurry up ! 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. (Crosses to door at L.) 
And if you see Paula just throw her off the track. You’ll 
know her. She’s a Russian and carries a bomb. If she 
ever catches me biff, bing! Good-night! (Exits at L.) 

Tom. (Yawns.) I can’t see why I’m so sleepy. (Nods 
as if going to sleep.) 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


39 


Train heard in the distance as in Act I. Bright music 
by orchestra. Enter Rosebud from L. Specialty by Rose¬ 
bud and chorus of girls. Tom goes to sleep during the 
specialty. 

Rosebud. I thought grandpa would be here to meet me. 

First Girl. Don’t you know where his house is? 

Rose. Of course, but I am sure he’ll send the big tour¬ 
ing car so let’s wait here. 

Second Girl (secs Tom). Oh, there's a man. 

First Girl. And he’s asleep. 

(They surround Tom) 

Rose. Oh, isn’t he handsome? 

Second Girl. Let’s waken him. 

Rose. How can we ? 

First Girl. You kiss him, Rosebud. 

Rose (bashf ully). Oh, no. I’m afraid. 

Girls. Go on. Don’t be afraid. He won’t hurt you. 

Second Girl. And he’ll never know. 

Rose. Promise me you won’t tell him? 

Others. Honest. Cross our hearts. 

Rose (starts toward him, starts to kiss him, he moves, 
she starts back). Oh, I don’t want to. 

Second Girl. Don’t be a coward. 

First Girl. Who’s afraid of a little kiss. I’ll wake him. 
(Starts toward him.) 

Rose (pulls her back). You will not. I’ll wake him my¬ 
self. (Kisses him, then runs and joins the other girls at L.) 

Tom (awakens suddenly). Something bit me. 

(Girls giggle) 

First Girl. He said something bit him. 

Tom. (Rises, sees girls.) Oh! Now I know what bit 
me. (Girls act embarrassed.) 


40 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Second Girl. We thought you’d miss your train unless 
we waked you up. 

Tom. Somebody kissed me. (Pause, goes to them.) 
Now which one was it? 

Girls. Shall we tell ? 

Rose. Certainly not. 

First Girl. We’ll never give her away as long as we 
live. Will we, girls? 

Girls. No, never. 

Tom. Somebody did, for it nearly took my breath away. 

Rose (hangs head guiltily). Oh, it couldn’t have done 
that. 

Tom. It was you. 

Rose. How do you know ? 

Tom. I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes. But you needn’t 
worry, I’ll never tell. 

Rose. Well, I should hope not. 

First Girl. Oh, girls, there’s a park out there, with 
dowers and a lake and everything. 

Second Girl. I want to see it. 

First Girl. I just love a lake. Come on. (Girls go 
out at L.) 

Rose. Do vou live here in Slabtown ? 

Tom. Oh, no. I’m only here for my health. 

Rose. Are you sick? 

Tom. Love-sick. 

Rose. How ridiculous. What brought you to Slab- 
town ? 

Tom. You. 

Rose (indignantly) . Don’t you dare dirt with me. 

Tom. I beg pardon. Won’t you sit down? 

Rose. No, I will not. (Still quite indignant, she sits 
down immediately on beneh.) 

Tom. Neither will I. (Sits beside her.) 

Rose. Well! (Springs up indignantlx.) 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


41 


Tom ( doing the same). Now don’t get mad. Just as we 
were beginning to get along so well. 

Rose. We? You mean you were. 1 wasn’t. 

Tom. Now don’t, please. Don’t be angry. I wouldn’t 
offend you for the world. I — I think you are the sweetest 
girl I’ve ever seen. 

(Duct may be introduced here) 

Rose ( looks around). Why, all the girls are gone. 

Tom. Yes, funny, isn't it? We’re all alone. 

Rose. I wonder where they are. 

Tom. Over in the park. They have a lovely park here in 
Slabtown. Trees and everything. 

Rose. I must find them. You see they are my guests. 
I brought them all down from school in order to surprise 
grandpa. 

Tom. I’ll bet he’ll be surprised. 

Rose. Where is the park ? 

Tom ( points to L.). Right over there. I’ll take you 
over. 

Rose. That wouldn’t he right, would it? 

Tom. Why, of course. You might lose your way, you 
know. (They start to L.) 

Enter from L. Paula dramatically. 

Paula. Stop! 

Tom. What is it? 

Paula. Do you know a man named Tutt? 

Tom ( trying to think). Tutt? Tutt? 

Paula. Not tut, tut! Just Tutt! Shhh ! Not a word. 
That’s the man I'm after. 

Tom. Never saw him in my life. 

Paula. He’s trying to elude me. But he shan’t escape. 
He shan’t escape. He’ll probably try to catch a train here at 


42 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


the station. I’ll conceal myself there (points R.) and wait 
for him. And when I find him— (Pauses.) 

Tom. When you find him? 

Paula (waves bomb). He’ll know a Russian’s ven¬ 
geance. 

Tom . I’ll het if he ever sees you he’ll he a rushin’ all 
right. And he won’t stop either. Good afternoon. (Exits 
L. with Rose.) 

Paula. I’ll find him. Paula Maleek never fails, never 
fails. ( Exit R.) 

Pat wheels Gideon in from L. 

Gideon. Now leave me here and go out and see if you 
can find that old maid. She’s trying to flirt with the son of 
my old friend, but she shan’t have him. She shan’t have 
him. He’s got to marry my granddaughter. If he does he 
gets a million and so does she. P>ut if either one refuses to 
obey me it’s all ofif. Go and look in the park. 

Pat. Yes, sir. 

Gideon. Wait a minute. Wheel me down there. 
(Points to L. front.) I don’t want to be in a draught. 
(Pat obeys.) Now get out! 

Pat. In a minute. (Exits L.) » 

Enter Paula from R. 

Paula. I am looking for a man. 

Gideon. That’s not strange. Most women are. 

Paula. A man named Tutt. 

Gideon. Tutt? 

Paula. Yes, Tutt. He deceived me. He deserted me. 
He refused to obey the command of the purple button. 
Put I am on his trail. Paula Maleek is on his trail. 

Gideon. Tutt? That name sounds familiar. Oh, yes. 
I’ve seen your Mr. Tutt. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


43 


Paula ( rushes to him, kneels and kisses his hand). Then 
tell me where he is. Tell a desperate woman where she can 
find him. 

Gideon. He’s that young - fellow who came down with 
the son of my old friend. Y r es, Tom told me his name was 
Tutt. 1 shouldn’t wonder if he’d be along here presently. 

Paula. Then I will wait. Vengeance is slow but sure. 
I’ll wait in there. ( Points to R.) And when I see him — 
(waves bomb) —he shall know what it is to desert a fond 
and loving wife. 

Gideon. Are you his fond and loving wife? 

Paula. I am. 

Gideon. What’s that thing you have there? A base¬ 
ball ? Are you going to hit him with a baseball ? That’s 
no way for a fond and loving wife to act. 

Paula. ( Scornfully .) Baseball? No, this is a bomb. 
I will await. ( Goes to door at R.) And when I find him, 
ah, ha! Then shall I be avenged. ( Exits R.) 

Enter Misery from L., singing dolefully. 

Misery. There once was a time 

When I had money in ma hand, 

Lived like a king 
On de fat ob de land. 

But Good Luck never 
Done a thing for me, 

And Bad Luck’s got me 
In ma misery. 

1 had a little wife 

And I had a little honey, 

But she done run away 
An’ stole all ma money, 




44 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


I can't get work, 

I’m a feelin’ mighty poor, 

De hoodoo’s got me 
In his clutches sure. 

Gideon. Hush up that hard luck story. You’re always 
groaning about your hard luck. 

Misery (conies to him). Lawsy, lawsy, ef it ain’t Mr. 
Blair. Ma hard luck’s done vanished all away kase I got 
nine dollars coinin’ for a rainy day. 

Gideon. Well, well! I can’t pay you today. 

Misery. Can’t pay me? How come? 

Gideon. I haven’t anything less than a thousand dollar 
bill. 

Misery. Here comes old hoodoo back again. You been 
owin’ me dat nine dollars ever since yesterday, Mr. Blair. 

Gideon (testily). Now, hush up. Hush up! I don’t 
like anyone to dun me. I don’t like anyone to dun me. 

Misery. No, an’ I don’t like anyone to do me. 

Gideon. I’ll admit I borrowed nine dollars from you. 

Misery. Dat’s a fac’. And you promised me nine dol¬ 
lars and two bits back. Don’ forget dat lil old two bits. 

Gideon. I know it. I know it. 

Misery (comes close to him). Can’t you lemme hab dem 
two bits anyhow ? 

Gideon (snaps). Back up, back up and let up. 

Misery (in same tone). Cough up, cough up and pay up. 

Gideon. Now see here. Misery, you’d better run along. 
You’ll get in trouble if you don't. 

Misery. Trouble is right where I hangs up ma hat. 

Gideon. You’d better be careful. Some people are al¬ 
ways borrowing trouble. 

Misery. Yass, an’ some people is always borrowin’ nine 
dollars. 

Gideon. Oh, you’ll get it. You’ll get it all right. 

Misery. You done got it. Nine good round dollars. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


45 


Gideon. Don't you worry about your money. I’m able 
to pay. 

Misery. Able to ain’ willin’ to. 

Gideon. Why, I’m the head of this entire railroad. 
Only last week the governor came to call on me. 

Misery. De governor? 

Gideon (proudly). Yes, sir, the governor. 

Misery. Had you borrowed nine dollars ofif’n him, too ? 
Gideon (shakes cane at him angrily). If you say nine 
dollars to me again, I’ll hand you one. 

Misery. Do it! Do it! Den you’ll only owe me eight. 
Gideon {as if struck by an idea). Ah, I have it. 

Misery. Yass, I knows dog-gone well you has it. 

Gideon. I mean, I have an idea. 

Misery. Yass, and you’s got mine dollars, too. 

Gideon (shakes cane at him). Don’t let me hear you 
say nine dollars again. 

Misery. Make it eight dollars and de res’ in small 
change. 

Gideon (smiles). I have a brilliant idea. 

Misery. Makes you happy, does it? 

Gideon. It’s a good thought. 

Misery. I’ll bet you’s gwine to pay me dat. (Pauses as 
Gideon shakes cane at him.) You knows what I mean. 
Gideon. I’ll give you a job. 

Misery. I don’ wan’ no job. All I wants is (Gideon 
shakes cane) —you know! 

Gideon. How would you like to work here at the depot? 
Misery. Will it pay me nine dollars? 

Gideon. It pays you a dollar a day and tips. 

Misery. I ruther hab nine dollars and no tips. 

Gideon. I’ll give you a job as assistant cook. 

Misery. What I got to do? 

Gideon. Just go in the kitchen there and help the cook. 
Misery (in agony). Go in dat kitchen? (Points R.) 


46 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Gideon. Certainly. And assist the cook. 

Misery. If I goes in dere I’ll kill de cook. 

Gideon. Do you want the job? 

Misery. No, sail. All I wants is ma— (Gideon waves 
cane at him furiously ). Well, you know what I wants. 

Gideon. I want you to leave me alone. That’s what I 
want. Where’s the lunch-counter girl ? 

Misery. Over in the park. 

Gideon. I thought after 1 let her get married yesterday 
she would stay here and tend to her business. I won’t 
have it. I’ll fire her. Where’s the ticket-seller? 

Misery. Over in the park. 

Gideon. Find him for me. Bring him here. I’m going 
to fire him. 

Misery. Well, you lemme hah dat nine dollars? 

Gideon (throws canc at him). Get out! (Misery 
dodges to door at L.) 

Misery. I’m out. (Makes quick exit at L.) 

Enter Pat from L. Misery bumfs into him, he shoves 

Misery out at L. 

Gideon. Oh, there you are. 

Pat. Yes, sir. Llere I am. 

Gideon. Why ain’t you attending to business. ( Yells .) 
Why ain’t you in your ticket office? 

Pat. Aw, tie a tin can to that stuff and speak to me 
gentle. 

Misery peeks in at door L. 

Gideon. I’ll speak to you gentle. You’re fired. 

Misery. I’ll bet he owed him nine dollars, too. 

Pat. Fired, am I ? 

Gideon. That’s what 1 said. Fired. Go out and find 
that lazy lunch-counter girl and tell her she’s fired. 

Misery. I better get out of here before he fires me, too. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


47 


Gideon. Who’s that talkin’ back there? 

Misery ( comes dozvn to him). It’s me. Say, boss, can 
you lemme hah — 

Gideon. You’re bred. 

Misery. How come I’m fired? I ain' been hired yet. 

Gideon. You were. I hired you as assistant cook, but 
now you’re fired. 

Misery ( marches in stiff-legged fashion around stage 
imitating drum). Left, left, I had a goo'd job, but I’m 
left. Left! Left! 


Enter Lulu from R. 

Gideon. Oh, there you are. 

Lulu. Yes, sir. Here I am. 

Misery. You’re fired. 

Lulu. What’s that? 

Gideon. Where’s young Tommy Rissle? I want him. 

Lulu. Who’s Tommy Rissle? 

Gideon. The son of my old friend Ebenezer Rissle. 

Misery, He means dat old “ Shhh! Not so loud ” man. 

Lulu. Oh, him? He’s rolling the bones over in the 
park. 

Misery. Rollin’ bones? Lead me to him. Misery, boy, 
here’s your chance to git back some ob dem nine dollarses 
you loaned to some people outa de generosity ob your heart. 
(Imitates rolling dice.) Come seben, come a leben, kase 
ma baby needs a new pair shoes. Alla ka-zum, alia ka-zum, 
alla-ka-zum, zum, zum! (Marches out at L.) 

Gideon. Go over there in the park and tell him I want 
him right away. 

Pat. Who, me ? 

Gideon. Yes, you. 

Pat. Not me. I’m fired. 

Gideon. Then I’ll hire you again. Hurry up and find 
young Tom Rissle for me. 




48 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Pat. Do I get a raise? 

Gideon. A raise? I’ll raise you with my foot if you 
don’t hurry. 

Pat. Pm gone. (Exits L.) 

Gideon. Young woman. Gimme my cane. Hurry up! 
(Lulu hands it to him.) Now, tell me, what’s become of 
my granddaughter ? 

Lulu. What is it, a conundrum? 

Gideon. My little granddaughter, Rosebud Reese. She 
came in on the train, didn’t she? 

Lulu. There are some strange girls over in the park. 
Maybe she’s one of them. 

Gideon. Go over and see. Ask for Rosebud Reese and 
tell her her grandpa wants her right away. 

Lulu (walks to L., using jazz dance step). All right. 
{Exits L.) 

Gideon. I won’t be happy until I’ve married the son 
of my old friend to my little granddaughter. It’ll cost me 
two million dollars, but by George ! it's worth it. 

• Misery comes in timidly from L.; approaches Gideon 

timidly. 

Misery. ’Scuse me, sah. 

Gideon (yells). Whatcha want? 

Misery (frightened, backs away). I’m fired. 

Gideon. Whatcha want with me? 

Misery. Jes’ a iil favor, boss. Will you hab de kindness 
oh heart and de natural generosity oh feelin’ to •— 

Gideon (interrupts fiercely). Don’t you dare to say nine 
dollars. 

Misery. No, sah. It ain’t dat. I jes’ wants to ask a lil 
favor, dat's all. 

Gideon. Well, what is it? 

Misery. I wants you to fire dat cook. 

Gideon. That cook in there ? (Points to R.) 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


49 


Misery. Yassir. Dat’s de time. 

Gideon. You want me to fire that good-natured, kind- 
hearted, generous, loving old lady? 

Misery. Is she good-natured and generous an’ kin’ 
hearted, and all dat? 

Gideon. Of course she is. There isn't a better and 
sweeter tempered old lady in the state of Missouri, and you 
want me to fire her. Deprive her of her little wage, that 
she earns by the sweat of her kind old brow. You want me 
to drive her away from her little job and probably land her 
in the poor house. That good, old kind-hearted cook who’s 
been with me for years and has a husband and several chil¬ 
dren that she supports by her daily toil. Good old faithful 
cook. 

Misery (weeping in sympathy ). Good old faithful cook. 

Gideon (tearfully). The poor sweet-tempered old angel. 

Misery (crying loudly). Poor old angel. 

Gideon. And you want me to fire her? 

Misery. No, sah. I don' want you to fire her. (Sobs.) 
I don’ want you to fire her. All I wants you to do is to get 
a ax and give it to me and lemme soak her jest once on de 
bean, when she ain’t a looking. 

Gideon. Very well. I’ll do as you say. I’ll fire her. 

Misery (shakes hands with him). I knowed you was a 
friend ob mine. I always knowed it. 

Gideon. You go in and tell her she’s fired. 

Misery. Me go in? 

Gideon. Certainly. I’m doing it for you. 

Misery. No, boss. You go in. 

Gideon. Nonsense. You’re not afraid of her, are you? 

Misery (proudly). Who, me? Afraid ob dat good, old 
kin’ hearted cook? Me? 1 ain’ afraid oh no woman what 
eber lived. But I jes’ naturally hates to tell her she’s fired. 

Gideon. Go on and tell her. Tell her I have fired her at 
your request. 





50 


ALWAYS tn TROUBLE 


Misery. Will you protect me? 

Gideon. She won’t hurt you much. 

Misery. Much? I don’ want her to hurt me, a-tall. 
You better go tell her. 

Gideon. Be brave. Be a man. 

Misery. All right. I is a man. ( Crosses to door at R., 
pauses, returns to Gideon.) Say, boss, I don’ like dis 
yere job. You fire her. 

Gideon. Are you a coward ? 

Misery. No, sir, I ain’t no coward. I’m jes’ skeered, 
dat’s all. 

Gideon. Tell her I have given you her job. 

Misery ( with a long drawl). Oh! Dat makes a dif- 
funce. I gits her job, does I? 

Gideon. Certainly. 

Misery. Well, if dat's a fac’, I’m gwine fire her. 
(Exits R.) 

Enter Tutt from L. 

Tutt. Well, here I am. 

Gideon. Where have you been so long? (Yells.) 
Where have you been ? 

Tutt,. Shhh! Not so loud. 

Gideon. Have you seen Rosebud? 

Tutt. Is that what you call her? 

Gideon. Who? 

Tutt. That old maid. 

Gideon. No, no, I mean my granddaughter. The girl 
you are going to marry. 

< 

Loud noise heard off R., as if big fight going on. Misery 
is hurled in from R. and falls C. He gathers himself (up and 
looks at Gideon. 

Misery. Say, boss, you made a mistake. 

Gideon. Did you fire her? 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


51 


Misery. No, sah. She wasn’t as good-natured an’ kin’ 
hearted as you said she was. If you waits till I hres dat ole 
lady I’m 'fraid you’ll be an old man yet. 

Gideon. Tommy, I think Rosebud is over in the park. 
Suppose you wheel me over there and we’ll see if we can find 
her. (Tutt. wheels him to door at L.) 

Enter Paula from R. just as Tutt zvheels Gideon out at L. 

Paula. ( Rushes to Misery, grabs his arm, scaring him.) 
Boy! 

Misery. Turn me loose, gal, turn me loose. 

Paula. Boy! 

Misery. ( Looks around.) Lady, dare ain’ no boy yere. 

Paula. I am speaking to you. Aren’t you a boy? 

Misery. No’m, lady, I ain’ no boy. I’z a man. 

Paula. Have you got a job? 

Misery. I done had a job, but I done lost it before I had 
it. He said I could be a cook, and wif de same breaf he 
said “ You’re fired ! ”— so dat’s all. 

Paula. Why, you’re unlucky, aren’t you? 

Misery. Lady, ma maiden name is Misery. Good Luck 
don’ live in de same town wif me. 

Paula (smiles at him). How would you like to work for 
me ? 

Misery (suspiciously). What you want me to do? Tell 
de cook she’s fired ? . 

Paula. No, no. lust assist me in a little scheme, that’s 
all. 

Misery. Dat’s de bestest thing I does, is scheme. Hon¬ 
est, lady, I’z a natural born schemer, I is. 

Paula. Did you see that man who just went out of here? 
I want him (grimly) and I’m going to get him. 

Misery. Wha’s matter? Does he owe you nine dollars, 
too ? 

Paula. He owes me everything, the clothes he has on 





52 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


his back, the hat on his head, his position in society, his 
very life — all, all he owes to me. 

Misery. All dat ain’t nuffin’ at all, he owes me nine dol¬ 
lars ! 

Paula. I am going to wait and watch and listen, and if 
he is a traitor I am going to use this. ( Shows bomb.) 

Misery ( takes bomb). Is you a baseball player., too? 
(Swings arm as if pitching ball.) 

Paula. Stop! Don’t you know what that is? 

Misery. Baseball. 

Paula. It’s a dynamite bomb. 

Misery ( trembling all over). Goodnight, Misery! 
Lady, take your baseball. 

Paula. No, you must handle that end for me. You are 
working for me now. 

Misery. Lady, you better get another boy. 

Paula. Don't be a coward. All you have to do is to 
light the fuse. 

Misery. Yes, I knows dat. I lights de fuse and blooey! 
Dat’s my last act. Somebody gwine to collect ma remains. 
No, lady, you’s got to get another boy. 

Paula. Shh! 

Misery. I’m shhd. 

Paula. They’re coming back. We’ll wait in there. 
(Points to R.) 

Misery. Who, me? Wif dat cook? Lady, you’z shore 
got.t o git another boy. 

Paula. No, we’ll hide behind the counter. (Goes be¬ 
hind the counter.) 

Misery. I don’ like dis yere job a-tall, I don’t. (Looks 
at bomb, trembles.) Lawdy, baseball, if you ever gets 
started you shore is gwine to do some damage. 

Paula. Quick! Disappear. 

Misery. Lady, if you ever light dat fuse I’ll disappear. 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


53 


And when I do I’ll never appear no more. (Goes behind 
counter.) 

Paula. Quick, hide! (They disappear behind the 
counter.) 

Enter from L. Tutt wheeling in Gideon. 

Gideon. Now remember if you refuse to marry her you 
lose a million dollars. 

Tutt. I won’t refuse. 

Gideon (gleefully rubbing his hands). Ah, that’s good. 
Then we’ll have the wedding right away. You’ll be married 
this afternoon, won’t you? 

Tutt. Well, I — (hesitates). 

Gideon (yells). Will you or won’t you? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. I will. 

(Paula springs up and conies to them carrying the bomb. 

She lights the fuse.) 

Paula. You will not. You will never live to marry 
another. 

Tutt, Paula! 

Paula. We’ll die together. 

(Puts lighted bomb on stage near Gideon. “Hurry” 

music.) 

Gideon. What’s that? 

Tutt. Duck. It’s a bomb. A dynamite bomb. 

Paula (at R., laughs wildly). Yes, and we’ll all die 
together. 

Tutt (lies on door and pulls bench over him). Help! 

Gideon. Help! Will nobody save me? 

Misery. (Rushes out and grabs bomb.) Yes, I will 
save you. (Carries lighted bomb out at R., holding it as 
far away from him as possible. Slight pause. Then big 
explosion heard off R. The stage manager must see that this 





54 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


explosion takes place at the proper moment. Fire a gun.) 

Gideon (screams at explosion). 

Tutt (screams at explosion). 

Paula (screams at explosion). 

Gideon. Poor old Misery. He’s a hero. He saved my 
life, but he’s been blown to bits. Now I can never reward 
him. 

Enter MIsery from R.. overcoat off, face zvhitened and 

clothes in tatters. 

Misery (quick). Yes, you can. 

Gideon. Misery! How can I reward you? 

Misery. Pay me dat nine dollars ! 

Quick Curtain. 

Note: Misery’s quick change can easily be zvorked b\ 
tv earing the tattered rags under his overcoat. As soon as 
he leaves the stage with the bomb he removes coat and 
someone puts dour spots on his face and hangs an old chair- 
back or zvheel around his neck. 


Act III 


Scene: The same as Act II, but an hour later. Gideon 
is seated down L. Samantha by him. Girls are grouped 
about the stage. Pat and Lulu down L. All sing chorus 
(only) of some popular song. Enter Rose from L. 
Specialty by Rose with chorus by all. At end of specialty 
all exeunt at R. and L., except Rose, Gideon and Sa¬ 
mantha. 

Gideon. Well, I certainly am glad to have my little 
Rosebud home again. 

Rose. And I’m glad to be here, granddaddy. 

Gideon. It’s quite a coincidence, for your future hus¬ 
band is here, too. 

Rose. But, grandpa, I don’t want a future husband 

Gideon. You don’t? Now, Rosebud, you don’t know 
your own mind. Every girl wants a future husband. And 
you get a million dollars when you marry young Tommy 
Rissle. 

Rose. But suppose I want to marry someone else? 

Gideon. Then I’ve done with ye. I’ll have nothing 
more to say except this, that not one penny of my money 
will ever come your way and you can go with your pauper 
husband and starve. 

Rose. He isn’t a pauper. 

Gideon. Oh, ho! Then there is someone, is there? I 
thought as much. But I won’t have it, I won't have it! 
You’ll marry the only son of my old friend Ebenezer Rissle 
or you’ll lose that million. 

Samantha. Now, Rosebud, be sensible; why, I’d marry 
anvone for a million. 

Gideon. You mean you’d marry anyone, million or no 
million. 



55 



56 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Samantha. And I’m sure Mr. Rissle is an awful sweet 
man. He’s always saying. “ Shhh ! Not so loud! ” 

Rose. But suppose he refuses to marry me? 

Gideon. Well, if he does that you get the million and 
he gets left. 

Rose. Is he good-looking? 

Samantha. Oh, he’s a dream, a regular poet’s dream. 
He has such a mysterious manner. 

Gideon. The women are all crazy after him. Why, a 
beautiful girl from Russia has been following him around 
and when she heard him say that he’d marry you she tried 
to blow us all up. 

Rose. I’ll bet he refuses to marry me. 

Samantha. Maybe he will. He’s been awfully atten¬ 
tive to me. And I’ll take him whether he gets the million or 
not. 

Rose (sings). You can have him, I don't want him. 


Enter Misery from L. 


Misery. Excuse me, Mr. Blair, I didn’t know you had 
company. 

Gideon. Ah, ha, it’s Misery. 

Rose (laughs). Misery? He looks it. 

Misery (comes down R.). Mr. Blair. 

Gideon. Well, Misery, what is it? 

You know what it is. 

That nine dollars? 

And two bits.' You guessed it right the first 


Misery. 
Gideon. 
Misery. 
time. 
Gideon. 
Misery. 
lars again. 
Gideon. 
Misery. 
dat monev. 


I’ll never borrow nine dollars from you again. 
You bet you won’. I’ll neber lend no nine dol- 

Don’t be a fool, Misery. 

If I hadn’t been a fool I’d neber a lended you 
(Comes close to him.) Boss, T’z got eighteen 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


57 


lil chilluns, all ob dem hungry, an’ a hungry wife, an’ she’s 
got a hungry husband, an’ dat’s me. 

Gideon (pushes him away). Get out. 

Misery (weeps). Oh! (Sobs.) 

Gideon. What’s the matter? I didn’t hurt you. 1 only 

touched vou. 

•/ 

Misery (sobbing). Yass, 1 knows dat. You touched me 
right whar 1 ’m tender. You touched me for nine dollars. 
Gideon. Now don’t act like a poor fish. 

Misery. No, sah, I won'. I ain’ no fish. I’m a sucker. 
Gideon (sharply). Now listen to me. You pay me 
some attention. 

Misery. Yass, and yo’ pay me some ob dem nine dollars. 
I’m not going to pay you nine dollars. 

You ain’? 

No, sir. I am not. 

Good-bye, Good Luck, 

You once was mine, 

But now I knows 
You is a shine. 

You saved my life, didn't you? 

Yassir, I wish I’d a saved dem nine dollars. 
And do you know how I’m going to reward 


Gideon. 

Misery. 

Gideon. 

Misery. 


Gideon. 

Misery, 

Gideon. 


you ? 

Misery. No, sah. But anything you does’ll be appre¬ 
ciated. I’z a hungry man, boss, and 1 got a hungry wife 
and twenty-one lil hungry chilluns. 

Gideon. I’m going to have you wheel me over to the 
bank and then I’m going to write a check for you for one 
thousand dollars. 

Misery. Boss, if it’s all de same to you I’d rather hab 
d it nine dollars an’ two bits cash an’ a ham sandwich. 

Gideon. Nonsense. With a thousand dollars you can 
buy out Slabtown. Hurry and wheel me over to the 
bank. 



58 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Misery ( wheeling him off at L.). I ain’t agwine to feel 
happy until I gits it in ma hand, kase my life has been too 
full ob disappointment. 

Gideon. Oh, you’ll get it all right. 

Misery ( with closed lips signifying “yes "). Um-um. 
Well, when I *gits it I’m gwine celebrate and not till dat 
time. ( Exit L. with Gideon.) 

Rose. Now tell me, Samantha, is Mr. Rissle really good 
looking ? 

Samantha. Yes, indeed. He’s what you might call 
intellectual looking, and he’s awful mysterious. 

Rose. Mysterious ? 

Samantha. Yes, he’s always saying — 

Enter Tutt from L., quickly taking up Samantha’s 

speech. 

Tutt. Shhh ! Not so loud. 

Samantha. Here he is now, Miss Rosebud. This is 
Mr. Rissle. 

Tutt. I don’t want to know her. 

Rose. How rude. 

Tutt (to Samantha). I’m going to insult her, then 
she’ll refuse to marry me and I get the million. 

Rose (to audience) . I wonder if grandpa really expects 
me to marry that ? 

Tutt. Say, have I got to marry you ? 

Rose. Don’t you want to ? 

Tutt. Well, I’m not going to refuse. I need the money. 
You don’t want to marry me, do you? 

Rose (smiles, goes to him and takes his arm). Oh, Mr. 
Rissle, are you proposing to me ? 

Tutt. Well, 1 don’t know. What would you say if I 
did propose to you ? 

Rose. You just propose and see. Samantha, this is no 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


59 


place for a young girl like you. Run over to the park and 
feed the gold-fish. 

Samantha. Well, I never. ( Flounces angrily to the 
door at L.) I’ll go, Miss Reese, but if you want my honest 
opinion of you I think you’re crazy. 

Rose (laughs zvildly). Ha, ha! She thinks I’m crazy. 
(Slaps Tutt on back.) She thinks I’m crazy. Pooh, I 
know I’m crazy. 

Tutt. Well, I’ll say you’re beginning to act crazy. 

Rose. You wouldn’t marry a crazy girl, would you? 

Tutt. Of course I wouldn’t. (Hastily.) Yes, I would. 
Yes, I would. For a million dollars I wouldn’t care how 
crazy she was. 

Rose. It always drives me frantic to see a man with a 
collar and tie on in the presence of a lady. I’m frantic now. 
(Tears off his collar and tie.) Why do you do such things? 
(Throws them dozen and jumps on them.) Isn’t that 
enough to make any lady frantic? (Gives a sudden 
scream.) Ohhhh! 

Tutt (jumps high in air at the suddenness of the scream). 
Shhh ! Not so loud ! 

. Rose. You have a hat. 

Tutt (looks at his hat). Yes, it’s a nice hat. 

Rose. (Grabs it.) It drives me mad to see a man with 
a hat. ( Throzes it dozen and jumps on it.) You must 
never have a hat again. (Smiles at him coyly.) Aren’t 
we going to be happy when we are married, Mr. Rissle? 

Tutt. You don’t want to marry me. I always wear a 
hat. 

Rose. Yes, I’ll marry you, but some dark and stormy 
night when you have a collar and tie on and are wearing a 
hat — do you know what I am going to do ? 

Tutt (trembling). No. What are you going to do? 

Rose. I’m going to lure you into the garden beneath the 




6J 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


watermelon trees and then I am going to stick you to the 
heart with a poisoned stiletto. 

Tutt. Stick me with a poisoned spaghetti ? You 
wouldn’t do such a thing. 

Rose (loud). Wouldn’t I? (Louder.) Wouldn’t I? 
(Yells.) Wouldn’t I? 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. 

Rose. See, I have it here. (Pulls dagger from waist.) 

Tutt. Is that poisoned spaghetti? 

Rose. It is a dagger, and whenever I see a man with a 
nose it makes me frantic. (Creeping toward him, he edging 
away.) And when I am frantic I creep, creep, creep toward 
him like this. 

Tutt (circling bench). Yes, and I creep, creep, creep 
away like this. 

Rose. (Makes a sudden grab and catches him, forces 
him to his knees). Sometimes I stick him with a poisoned 
stiletto and sometimes I bite off his nose. 

Tutt. Don’t do it. It's the only nose I got. 

Rose (chokes him). When I am frantic I don’t know 
what I am doing. 

Tutt. Help, help, murder, fire, police! 

. Enter Tom from L. 

Tom (grasping Rose and pulling her to R.). What are 
you trying to do ? 

Rose. I’m trying to bite off his nose. 

Tutt (down L.). She killed me. 

Rose. He wants to marry me and I’m willing. 

Tutt. Never! I wouldn’t marry you if you were the 
only woman on earth. And I couldn’t if I wanted to for 
I’m married already. 

Rose. Married ? 

Tutt. Oh, lead me back to my calm and peaceful Paula 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


61 


Maleek. All she does is blow me up once in awhile. She 
never bites me. 

Rose. Then you refuse to marry me? 

Tutt. Absotively, posolutely. 

Rose (at C. to Tom who is down R.). You hear him. 
You're a witness. He refuses to marry me. 

Tom. Tutt, you’re talking to the wrong woman. This 
isn’t Mr. Blair’s heiress. It’s the other, the old maid. 

Rose. Oh, no. She’s the housekeeper. I am Rosebud 
Reese, Mr. Blair’s granddaughter. 

Tom? You? 

Rose. Certainly. I thought you knew it all the time. 

Tom. I never even suspected it. Then permit me to 
introduce myself. I am Tom Rissle. 

Rose. You? 

Tom. At your service. 

Rose. The son of grandpa’s old friend, Ebenezer Rissle? 

Tom. Exactly. 

Rose. Then you are the man I am expected to marry. 

Tom. Mr. Tutt, your wife is looking for you. 

Tutt. Paula? Where is she? 

Tom. In the county jail. Waiting for someone to bail 
her out. 

Tutt. I think I’ll leave her in. 

Tom. I believe I owe you a hundred dollars, don’t I? 

Tutt. You do. And I surely think I earned it. 

Tom. Well, I’ll give it to you on one condition. (Loud.) 
On one condition. 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. Well, what is the con¬ 
dition ? 

Tom. That you pay your wife’s fine and start all over 
again. Just show her that you are the boss and make her 
cut out bombs. 

Tutt (shakes hands with him). I'll do it. 






62 


ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


Tom. (Hands him a bill.) There’s your money. Nqw 
go out and have a good time. 

Tutt. I don’t think it’s safe to leave you alone with that 
crazy woman. She might stick you with a poisoned 
spaghetti or bite off your nose. 

Rose. What! {Starts after him.) What! 

Tutt runs out at L. Rose returns to Tom. Tutt sticks 

his head in the door at L. 

Tutt. Shhh! Not so loud. (Exits L.) 

Rose. I think we’d better go and call on grandpa.. 

Tom. Say, it’s all coming out right, after all. 

Rose. Are you really satisfied ? 

Tom. Satisfied? Why, I’m in Paradise. 

Enter Pat and Lulu from L. 

Pat. No, you ain’t; you're in Slabtown. 

Lulu. Say, old Mr. Blair is outside and half the town 
is following him. 

(Music outside L.) 

Rose. What is it? 

Pat. It’s a regular jubilee. Here they come. 

Enter all characters cheering. Loud music by orchestra. 

Rose. But where is grandpa ? 

Samantha. Here he comes now. 

Enter Gideon wheeling Misery in the wheel chair. 
Misery is dressed up in flashy style and tossing dollar bills 
to the crowd. Gideon wheels him dozen front. 

Misery (in jazz-time to audience). 

Ladies and gents, a word before you go, 

I hope each one oh you liked our show. 

We did our best to please you 



ALWAYS IN TROUBLE 


63 


And we hope you liked our style, 

And if we did we’d like to know — 
So clap your hands and smile. 

Come on, folks, 

Don’t be slow! 

Clap your hands 
If you liked 
Our show. 

All. One, two, three, let her go! 

Clap your hands if you liked the show! 

(All dance break.) 

Curtain. 


i 












An Old Fashioned Mother 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 

PrFce, 25 Cents 

The dramatic parable of a mother’s love, in 3 acts; 6 males, 
6 females, also the village choir or quartet and a group of silent 
villagers. Time, 2 1 / 4 hours. One scene: A sitting room. A play 
of righteousness as pure as a mother’s kiss, but with a moral 
that will be felt by all. Contains plenty of good, wholesome 
comedy and dramatic scenes that will interest any audience. 
Male Characters: The county sheriff; an old hypocrite; the selfish 
elder son; the prodigal younger son; a tramp and a comical coun¬ 
try boy. Female Characters: The mother (one of the greatest 
sympathetic roles ever written for amateurs); the village belle; 
the sentimental old maid; the good-hearted hired girl; a village 
gossip and a little girl of nine. Especially suited for church, 
Sunday school, lodge or school performance. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act. I.—The Good Samaritan. Aunt Debby’s farmhouse in late 
March. The Widder rehearses the village choir. Sukey in trouble 
with the old gray tabby cat. “She scratched me. I was puttin' 
flour on her face for powder, jest like you do!” Lowisy Custard 
reads her original poetry and Jerry Gosling drops in to see if 
there are to be any refreshments. “That’s jest what maw says!” 
Lowisy and Jonah pass the fainting tramp by the wayside and 
Deborah rebukes them with the parable of the Good Samaritan. 
The tramp’s story of downfall due to drink. “A poor piece of 
driftwood blown hither and thither by the rough winds of ad¬ 
versity.” John, Deborah’s youngest son, profits by the tramp’s 
experience. “From this moment no drop of liquor shall ever pass 
my lips.” John arrested. “I am innocent, and when a man can 
face his God, he needn’t be afraid to face the law!” 

Act II.—A Mother’s Love. Same scene but three years later, 
a winter afternoon. “Colder’n blue and purple blazes and snowin’ 
like sixty.” Jerry’s engagement ring. “Is it a di’mond? Ef it 
ain’t I’m skun out of two shillin’.” “I been sparkin’ her fer 
nigh onto four years, Huldy Sourapple, big fat gal, lives over 
at Hookworm Crick.” Deborah longs for news from John, the 
boy who was taken away. The Widder gossips. “I *never seen 
sich a womern!” “You’d think she was a queen livin’ in New 
York at the Walled-off Castoria.” Lowisy is disappointed in 
Brother Guggs and decides to set her cap for Jonah. Deborah 
mortgages the old home for Charley and Isabel. The sleighing 
party. “Where is my wandering boy tonight?” The face at the 
window. Enoch and John. “I’ve been weak and foolish, a thing 
of scorn, laughed at, mocked at, an ex-convict with the shadow 
of the prison ever before me, but all that is passed. From now 
on, with the help of God, I am going to be a man!” 

Act III.— The Prodigal Son. Two years later. Deborah bids 
farewell to the old home before she goes over the hills to the 
poorhouse. “The little home where I’ve lived since John brought 
me home as a bride.” The bitterest cup—a pauper. “It ain’t 
right, it ain’t fair.” Gloriana and the baby. “There ain’t nothin’ 
left fer me, nothin’ but the poorhouse.” The sheriff comes to take 
Aunt Deb over the hills. “Your boy ain’t dead. He’s come back 
to you, rich and respected. He’s here!” The return of the prod¬ 
igal son. Jerry gets excited and yells, “Glory Hallelujah!” The 
joy and happiness of Deborah. “Honor thy father and thy 
mother that thy days may be long in the land.” 


T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON’S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free 


M. F. 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2(4 hrs. 

(25c) . 6 18 

Trip to Storyland, 1(4 hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2(4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs.(25c) 7 10 

When Smith Stepped Out, 3 

acts, 2 hrs.(35c) 4 4 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, 1(4 hrs. 

(25c) . 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr... (25c) 17 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

Price 15 Cents Each 

All on a Summer’s Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min. 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min. 3 2 

Aunt Harriet’s Night Out, 35 

min. . 1 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Billy’s Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy’s Mishap, 20 min. 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon. 20 min.. 5 
Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min...23 

Country Justice, 15 min. 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 
Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Family Strike, 20 min...3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 
For Love and Honor,. 20 min.. 2 1 
Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 
Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 
Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 
Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 
Men Not Wanted, 30 min.... 8 

Mother Goose’s Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 
Mrs. Jenkins’ Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins’ Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 
Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min. 1 1 

Patsy O’Wang, 35 min....... 4 3* 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 
Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 
Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 
Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min.. . 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 
Smith’s Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

Taking Father’s Place, 30 min. 5 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min. 3 2 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 4a 

min. 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 mm. 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 
Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 


M. F. 

Two of a Kind, 40 min. 2 3 

Uncle Dick’s Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 
Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min. 3 6 

Whole Truth, 40 min. 5 4 

Who’s the Boss? 25 min. 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 
Wrong Baby, 25 min. 8 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON¬ 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min. 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

Axin’ Her Father, 25 min.2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 in. 10 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min. 2 1 

Colored Honeymoon, 25, min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min. 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 
Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 

For Reform, 20 min. 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 

Good Mornin’ Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min. 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min. 1 

Home Run, 15 min. 1 1 

Hungry, 15 min. 2 

L’ttle Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
Love and Lather, 35 min..... 3 2 
Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min. 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25 min.. 4 2 
Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min.... 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min. 6 2 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min. 2 

Pete Yansen’s Gurl’s Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min. 2 

Si and I, 15 min... 1 

Special Sale, 15 min. 2 

.Street Faker, 15 min.. 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min....— 2 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min. 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 

A great number of 
Standard and Amateur Plays 
not found here are listed in 

Denison’s Catalogue 


T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 


































































LIB 


RARY OF CONGRESS 


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POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 


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THE FAVORITE 
BOOK OF DRILLS 



TS DENISON SOQMBW 

OOCACT. 


I X this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter¬ 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov¬ 
er design. 


A Partial List 


DIALOGUES 


All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children’s Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 

Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 

Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over <}0,h00 copies sold. 

From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 

Little People’s Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When tlie Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 

Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 


SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 


Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child’s speaker. 

The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 

The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 
Clever, humorous, original. 


Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap-Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu¬ 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 35c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 


SPECIALTIES 

The Boys’ Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children’s Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 

The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 
A gem of a book. 

Good Things for Washington 
and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Littie Folks’ Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 

One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 
Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway¬ 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 


MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels’ and end men’s gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 

The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 


Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 


T.S. DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers, 154W. Randolph St.,Chicago 



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